ETIQUETTE ON DINNER TABLE
1. Watch yourself
At least once—and I know this is
painful—film yourself eating and talking. Yes, even if it sounds stupid, its still important for you to know how it looks, so as to not disgrace yourself but rather it will help you to be more presentable and be more respected.
2. Napkins go in your lap as soon as
possible
Remember they're there for you!
Supporting you! Helping you achieve the goal of not having sauce on your face
or your white pants. They serve all sorts of useful functions including
discreet removal of inedible things from your mouth, like fish bones or gristle
or, I don't know, whatever you want out of your mouth immediately. It goes into
the napkin, then gets sort of rolled in and around. At a restaurant, feel free
to ask for another napkin.
3. Wait to begin
It's immeasurably better to start
eating 20 seconds later than everyone than 5 minutes before. Different people
and situations have different etiquette, but unless instructed otherwise, you
should not start eating until everyone is seated, everyone is served, and the
host picks up his or her fork.
4. Line up your bread and drinks
QUICK! Touch both your index fingers
to your thumbs. On your left, you will see a lowercase b, which stands
for Bread Plate (yes, this is why the universe gave us opposable thumbs!), and
on your right is a lowercase d for Drinks. Your bread plate is to your
left, and your drinks are to your right.
5. Get your utensils in order
Generally speaking, implements are arranged with
forks on the left, then a plate, then knives, then spoons. 
6. Work your way in
There may be implements on the table
for every course; just start with the ones outside and work your way in. As
each utensil's career comes to a close, they will leave the table on the plate
or in the bowl they were used for.
7. Follow the leader
If you're ever in doubt of what to
do, just look to your host. If they are picking up that inscrutable implement,
then gently scratching their hand with it, well, maybe you should, too.
8. Time your chats
If someone asks you a question right
when you have put a bite of food in your mouth, smile slightly (lips closed,
obviously), then make a gentle "Ehhhh, what can you do?" gesture with
your hands. Do not rush through that bite, as this will just make things worse.
9. Ditch the phone
This should be abundantly clear but,
unless this is a work lunch and everyone else has multiple phones on the table,
you should never look at yours. Generally speaking, if you're in a social
situation with humans you care about, try not to look at your phone.
However! Everyone does need to look at their phone occasionally, and
this is why it's a great thing to ask, "Will you excuse me?" and then
head to the bathroom to check your Facebook Messenger as God intended
10. Rest when done
If you're not done with a course,
your utensils should rest on either side of your plate, business end at the
top, in a little mountain form. Think of this as a Restful Mountain That Is
Still Hungry! When you're done, the two utensils are set parallel to each
other and pointing NW on your plate. Think of this as two parallel skis, ready
to zip away! And yes, I did just make that terrible mnemonic up.
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